Today I thought I’d share my story with everyone. About everything that’s happened in my life. Mostly about my downs. So here goes.
Year 7. Age 11/12.
I got bullied by the people from my primary. The people I’d been “friends” with since I started school. I wouldn’t say it was bad bullying. Well. It was but not the worst I’ve heard of. It wasn’t physical or anything. It was more being ignored, and left out, not being invited places anymore, being cut out of in conversations. Just generally being left to feel inferior. These were the people who later became the “popular” ones.
After I told someone about it, I joined another friendship group. It was really scary at first. I was too scared to talk much at all. Occasionally laughing or nodding and smiling. It took a good couple of months for me to start feeling comfortable with them. But I soon became great friends with everyone.
Year 8. Age 12/13.
The first thing I remember of this year was doing the musical Hairspray in school. I wanted to drop out and my teacher wouldn’t let me. I think this is where a lot of my anxiety came from. I will never do another stage show again. Never.
During this time I also started like this boy. I liked him for a few months from like November 2014 to sometime in the middle of 2015. He never really noticed me or talked to me much in that time. I started to feel like I wasn’t good enough for anyone and that no one would ever like me. So that’s where my depression kinda came from I guess.
The February of 2015 was the worst month of my life so far. It’s when I started self harming. I don’t want to go into too much detail but after I started it just got worse and worse. As did my negative thoughts about myself.
Year 9. 13/14.
Things were still bad and getting worse but it’s the best year of my life. I started liking another boy even though I didn’t want to after the first boy I liked. I didn’t want to like anyone else in fear of thoughts getting worse than they already
But anyway. I started liking this other boy. Who later became my boyfriend in the March of 2016 (and still is. And is known on my blog as Tom). He’s probably reading this right now being happy he was mentioned XD (love you).
I told Tom about everything that was happening to me and he helped. But he was also dealing with other problems too that were quite alike to mine. (I won’t explain obviously because that’s his story). So I had to help him too. In my opinion, I think he’s come really far from where he was and I’m very proud of him.
All this time I still felt like nothing was getting better for me. I was still self harming pretty badly. I was sad most of the time with horrible thoughts. Tom made me happy. But when he wasn’t there it was as if he didn’t exist in my life because the happiness didn’t seem to have happened as the sadness just took over.
Some people had noticed my self harm marks on my arm in school. I thought I was covering them up well. The main thing for me was shutting out everyone so they wouldn’t know I was sad or struggling with my problems. The only one I trusted was Tom. I panicked when people found out. But it made me sad that no one asked me if I was okay. I didn’t want anyone to but it still made me kinda sad.
Year 10. 14/15.
One of my teachers saw the marks too. She asked to talk to me and said she’d have to tell my parents. That was my worst fear. I’d tried telling them before but they shouted. I can never tell them anything ever again.
I managed to pull of that it was my dog that gave me the marks and that my teacher was just worried and didn’t believe me. I was lucky.
I decided then I wasn’t going to self harm again for fear of something like that happening again. I went for a month. But everything got worse again.
I decided to get a tumblr. Not to look at anything bad just to read Harry Potter stuff really. But some negative stuff came up. And I self harmed more often again.
I also became obsessed with my weight. I wanted to be thin thin thin. I thought I was extremely fat and all I wanted to do was starve myself and exercise away the calories I hadn’t even eaten. This was about November last year.
I really started feeling that everything was never going to get better so I started becoming severely suicidal. That was all that was on my mind. I was contemplating what to do. I didn’t want to leave Tom on his own with no one else to turn to with his problems. I wanted him to be okay and I knew I could never leave him.
After Christmas it was still just as bad. Suicidal. Negative thoughts. Weight obsession. Self harm. Although I hadn’t done any self harm since before Christmas as I went to New York for New Year.
And that brings me up to now. The last 2 weeks have been amazing. I’ve felt happier. I haven’t self harmed in about a month which is pretty good for me. There’s been no suicidal thoughts for the last two weeks and no negative thoughts about myself or my weight. I don’t know how everything as changed so much. It just… happened.
I don’t know what’s going to happen to me next. I hope it continues to get better like it has. I’ll probably do a post about the individual thoughts I had with the depression and anxiety. I also want to do some posts on how to help people who are going through similar things as me.
Thank you for taking the time to read this severely long post.
– Willow xx