The Truth – More of My Story

I try to be positive for this blog to help people as much as I can with what I write but today I thought I’d tell the truth about my self harm story. I talk about the past a lot and how it started and that but I don’t really talk about the present. 

On this blog it’s always positive and I’m pretty sure could never tell of somethings wrong when really there is. I like to write some of my posts when I’m sad because it helps me to concentrate on something but I make sure that I always come across positive and as if everything is okay. 

In my life right now, most of the time I am pretty positive and okay as I am in recovery which is awesome. But it wouldn’t be recovery with sad points and relapses. It does get hard and it’s difficult to keep control.

When I get extremely sad and negative I lose control of myself. What I mean is that if I was positive I would say any of the stuff I say or do any of the stuff I do. It’s like something else controls my head.

Most of the time when I get sad I want to hurt myself just to get rid of the emotional pain. That’s the reason I self harm. I never truly want to hate self harming and everything about it. The more people that can be helped to stop doing it and the more people that don’t start it the better off the world will be. 

When I say self harm I mean like cutting but self harm can also be eating disorders as you are hurting yourself by not eating. I kind of have an eating disorder but I kind of don’t. I don’t want an eating disorder so I am not by any means saying that for attention. But what I mean by that sentence is that I feel fat pretty much all the time. All I want to do is lose weight. I do every second over every day of my life. Sometimes I don’t eat because I want to be thinner. Then when I do eat I hate myself and feel ashamed. I’ve looked at thinspo and all that and it makes me feel horrible. (If you want to read my views on things like that go HERE) So it is a bit of a weird one.

It used to be a lot worse than what it is now. Last year like October and November time I used to barely eat at all. I’d try to exercise as much as I could. It never got me to where I wanted. I’m scared it will get back to where it was last year as right now it is slowly getting worse.

I will do a whole post on eating disorders soon.

Next topic. Suicide. I’ve never technically tried to commit suicide.  I’ve thought of it a lot but never attempted. I’ve slice down my arm before and I tried to see how long I could hold my breath under water but nothing more. Suicide is actually quite a hard topic for me. Not because of what I’ve done but because of other reason which I doubt I’ll ever put on this blog as it’s not my story to tell. But it is still one of the more sensitive subject for me so I’m not going to go any further until I feel like writing a post on suicide.

I’m sure you can expect a lot more posts from me about mental health. I’ve already done quite a few. 

Thanks for reading guys. Stay strong.

– Willow ♡ 

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